very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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