Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
