Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
