Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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