I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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