Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
