his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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