woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
