New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
