I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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