i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
