my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
