Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
