I should be sponsored by Trojan
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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