I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
