Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
