Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
