If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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