The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
