There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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