She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
