I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
