He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
