i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
