he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Im part way to drunk.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
