i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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