It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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