Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
