Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
