She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My bed is full of blood and feathers
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
