whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
