Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize