the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
