If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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