Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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