i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
