When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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