I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
