Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
