My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
