White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize