if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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