no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
