you guys were way drunker than both of me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize