Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
