You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
