i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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