Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
