Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
