I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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