apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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