I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
