Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
