i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Randomize
