i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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