just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize