There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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