Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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