I wish I could teleport
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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