So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
