It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
